


a firefly in the distance

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Agender Character, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Dissociation, Genderfluid Character, Head Injury, Memory Loss, Multi, Polyamory, Polyvolleys, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Character, Transvolleys, just know that even if it's not listed there is a very good chance they're dating, okay literally everyone is dating each other????? and there are huge networks of this so, potential spoilers if you aren't caught up to the manga!!!!!, takes place after training camp arc in the manga, will definitely feature oikawa in heels at some point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-03-15 06:58:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3437846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A relationship is something to be tenderly cultivated with love after a first meeting over an extensive period of time. Even for an intensely introspective person such as Tsukishima Kei, a heart can be painstakingly warmed with each passing moment by being together.</p><p>In which Tsukishima is no longer lonely with the company of their significant others – until they gradually forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. it begins.

_There’s something wrong,_ Tsukishima thinks idly as a familiar throb possesses their head, _something’s off._

They feel uneasy, a nagging feeling tugging perpetually down on their school uniform jacket. Persistent as Takeda-sensei on his best and his worst days, it requires nearly all of their strength to keep their heavy shoulders from sagging under gravity's unwavering will. Days have become unnaturally longer throughout the past few weeks, stretching on for what seemed to be endlessly. They curl around Tsukishima’s ankles, slithering up their legs in a tangled mess of twisted labyrinths that they don't have the patience to solve.

It’s at the point where they begin to feel restless in class, their little remaining willpower waning rapidly at exponential levels. Although their patience with volleyball and people wears thin with little difficulty, classes in general are different. They are practical and routine, they have simple patterns that don’t serve to annoy them like other things tend to do. The clock ticks on at a snail’s pace, and Tsukishima can swear it’s been 10:48 AM for five minutes now. Their foot taps every other off-beat to the melody of an old Marina and the Diamonds song, as fingers tightly grip onto their pencil. They stare at squawking crows flocking on nearby telephone wires in the outside world, half-heartedly wishing they could be anywhere except this classroom.

It’s become more of a frequent pastime now; specifically ever since Karasuno lost to Aoba Johsai during the Interhigh Tournament. The blow had been a temporarily fatal crush to all of what Tsukishima now could recognize as the team’s pride -- as useless as they still believed it to be -- thanks to Yamaguchi. The entire team has been shaken, but it’s only served to act as an impetus for a stronger resolve to win next time -- the current third years’ last time, their last chance before they move on with their lives.

Tsukishima didn’t want it to become a habit; like how they anxiously thread their fingers together tightly in uncomfortable situations, but no such luck. Things never seem to be in their favor, and they think offhandedly about Kuroo and Bokuto’s typical antics in an unconscious, but in Tsukishima’s opinion, fairly fitting association. Perhaps it’s not a fair comparison -- the playful pair had never caused them harm, purposefully or accidentally. Thinking it once over again, they rescind the negatively associative thought of their significant others.

But the insistent pounding in the back of their skull has become a normal occurrence within the last several days, making it that much harder to pay attention to the teacher droning on about calculus. Tsukishima honestly can’t care less about deriving the formulas on the board, and their notes remain practically non-existent. It hurts, with an intensity that reminds them painfully of Oikawa’s brown eyes laced with profound gold around the curved edges, set on absolute victory.

The medication they’ve been taking in meticulously measured increments isn’t helping, either. Upon Yamaguchi’s insistence, they’ve even visited the school nurse once when Tsukishima accidentally let it slip they’re being plagued with chronic headaches on a daily basis. Yamaguchi worries too much for her own good over Tsukishima and their fellow teammates, and they know this very well -- which is exactly why they had attempted to refrain from mentioning it in her presence in the first place, but they had failed. Miserably.

Volleyball practice hasn’t really helped upon this recent turn of events, and predictably began contributing to the problem as the days drag on with dawdling feet. The tendency to hoot and shout at each other initially annoyed Tsukishima when they had first become acquainted with the Karasuno Volleyball Team, but now it’s started to become unbearable alongside these atrocious migraines. The third years are thankfully fairly calmer when compared to the others, although Daichi has captain privileges; his tone is allowed to be raised, in order to quiet the rest. Tanaka and Nishinoya are the rowdy pair among the second years, often yelling to each other across the gym, and even choosing to screech in obnoxiously loud voices when right next to each other. Kageyama and Hinata are no better than them, but Tsukishima grudgingly allows them a bit more lenience. They would both make an effort to tone down their usual dramatics with a bit of Yamaguchi’s scolding; and if not, a quick kiss would usually do the trick.

To top it all off, stress has been slowly creeping up on them while they haven’t been looking. Hiding in shadows, tapping them on the shoulder when they’re caught off guard, their defenses are shamefully lowered and they begin to surrender to the never ending jabs of exhaustion. School has never been an issue for them previously; although they are in one of the two college prep classes Karasuno offers, Tsukishima doesn’t find the work terribly difficult. They are well-aware their work habits -- while not exactly high-tier -- are decent, overall. They complete their work on time with minimum effort, all while studying and managing to effectively balance school and volleyball together. Unlike the oddball quick duo, who were even late to the aforementioned training camp due to being forced to take supplementary classes for failing a class each. Despite their lack of motivation to put genuine effort in for their studies, it’s sufficient. Beyond that, their already limited interest dwindles.

Relations with their family can be strained at times, much like any other teenager’s at this point in time. But their relationship with Akiteru has improved considerably since they’ve managed to talk when he had returned home from college, clearing up many of the misunderstandings that had once adulterated the air between them. Their parents are a different story, but it’s from Tsukishima’s understanding that disagreements happen more frequently in other families than theirs. Overall, they are fine.

From an outsider’s point of view, Tsukishima’s life is perfectly okay -- perhaps even pleasant, most certainly on the uplift. There’s nothing particularly unusual besides these migraines, and the frequent inability to concentrate in nearly any recent event. Their mind wanders -- unlike their usual pondering of over-analyzing a situation such as this -- farther off the path than Tsukishima has ever dared to go.

* * *

When practice begins for that day, they haven’t been expecting anything more or less than the usual. It’s become routine to change, stretch, warm-up, run several laps around the gym, practice serves, receives, blocking, spikes, all together in that order -- and then, at last, they would commence the daily scrimmage.

The familiarity of such a routine is normal, a straight line of practicality in their life. Tsukishima knows what to expect, when to expect it, and they’ve observed the days enough to be able to predict a fairly accurate timeframe. Coach Ukai isn’t terribly difficult to understand -- he’s just as straight-forward and as painfully blunt as the rest of the team.

The time is the control factor in the experiment, which never changes. The independent variable, on the other hand, are the teams. That itself rotates every day; it’s convenient having twelve people in total on the volleyball team. With such a number, the group can easily be broken up into two teams of six versus six, acting as the experiment for Ukai. Depending on whether or not he wants to test if certain players could work together, he can switch the teams around during individual practices if necessary.

It makes sense, to a degree -- Kinoshita and Narita, although not regulars and often forgotten, are both fairly decent in their own rights. They can be a strong foundation if necessary, and understandably Ukai uses this time to gauge their abilities. Although compared to certain other talents on the team who are able to constantly play throughout all important games, they don’t stand a chance. Ennoshita, in particular, is an even more powerful support than their fellow forgotten second years; Tsukishima is positive Ennoshita will be the next captain, following the time when the third years are finally forced to depart.

Regardless, Sugawara and Yamaguchi are both often left on the bench as well, in favor of Kageyama and more highly valued talents for middle blockers respectively. And yet, they both have promising abilities of their own -- Sugawara is vice-captain, and they are an all-around equipped setter. Yamaguchi has been working her ass off to master the jump float serve, especially in private training with the Shimada Mart employee. Following the failure to successfully serve in a desperate time of need at the aforementioned Aoba Johsai match, Yamaguchi has been even more motivated to work as hard as humanly possible.

It makes something twinge in Tsukishima’s chest every time they think about it, almost forlorn. Everyone from Karasuno are unfalteringly determined to succeed, to improve, to sprout wings and take to the vast expanse of skies. Previously, they may have been left behind as the rest continued to endlessly advance their skills; but after the events of the training camp, Tsukishima is perhaps just as motivated as their teammates -- although that’s something they won’t easily admit to anyone, even if it may appear obvious now.

“Alright, it’s time,” Ukai calls, cutting off any previous conversation and effectively garnering the attention of the assembled team. Yachi has her favorite notebook, embellished with stars, fitting in nicely with her other space themed things, ready to take notes and record the line-up. “Today, it’ll be Sawamura, Sugawara, Azumane, Ennoshita, Narita, and Kinoshita versus Tanaka, Nishinoya, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi. Get in position!”  
  
Besides dividing up the second years, this is essentially the third years versus the first years. Tsukishima is certain everyone else has come to the same conclusion, and already they can see the anticipation igniting in the team’s eyes. It seems Ukai decided to refrain from mixing it up through randomization today, but it should be fairly balanced in terms of raw power in contrast to experience.  
  
“Are you okay, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asks, cutting through Tsukishima’s ruminations as if they’re jello. She’s become quite adept at doing that, in recent times. They feel oddly proud of her, proud that she’s able to understand them like this, and that’s a warning signal. This is more distressing than they had initially thought.  “You look paler than usual.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Tsukishima says, an automated response they’ve relied on for years now. They are fine, they’re always fine. Anything else tends to be a hassle, an unwelcome increase of worry to whoever had inquired.   
  
But Yamaguchi knows. “Be safe. Make sure to go to the nurse if it gets worse,” she smiles wearily, and Tsukishima silently thanks her for a lack of interrogation. She gives them their space when not in a dire situation, and it’s much appreciated. They nod.

Kiyoko blows her whistle, and the match begins.

* * *

The score is 1:1, with the third years’ team leading with 14-11. Their head is dizzy, throbbing as if a hammer is repeatedly striking it in the same place over and over again without mercy. It’s rhythmic, almost like a metronome, and Tsukishima nearly finds themself becoming mesmerized with the consistent tempo. Their eyes are unfocused, clouding over as they struggle to remain as calculatingly alert as they’re infamously known for. 

Why is it so difficult to concentrate? It’s never been like this before. Their migraine still hasn’t ceased, disrupting their ability to remain clear minded. Blood is rushing at an abnormal level through their veins, coursing furiously like wildfire without restraint. Heat emanates everywhere, flushing throughout their body in sweltering waves of uncomfortableness. Their skin is probably a pallor one shade too light; no wonder Yamaguchi had noticed before the game started. Flexing their clammy fingers, the sweat clinging to their pores is different than the sweat from regular practice.

Tanaka whoops when she blocks Kinoshita’s spike with Hinata. “Nice one, Tanaka-senpai!” Hinata cheers, his natural ability to flatter kicking in. They high five with glee, as Nishinoya comes up behind and slaps both of their backs to celebrate. It’s too much sound in this small space that’s the Karasuno gymnasium. Tsukishima’s head hurts.  
  
They can feel Yamaguchi’s eyes on them. They pretend not to notice, instead choosing to face the other direction to avoid her gaze -- coming to meet Kageyama’s diligent stare instead.  
  
 _Great. Just great._ Tsukishima doubts Kageyama would notice that something was bothering them on his own, so Yamaguchi probably told him; although, he could be surprisingly acute when he wanted to be -- yet, he was an oblivious dork most of the time. Tsukishima can’t make heads or tails of this guy, even when dating him. Wow. “What?”   
  
_What are you looking at?_ they would have rudely demanded without any hesitance before, only a few months ago. Amazing how being on a team could change a person -- Tsukishima isn’t sure whether this is a good or a bad thing, but Akiteru passionately insists that it’s the former.  
  
“Are you sick?” Kageyama bluntly questions, blue eyes unmoving. Straight to the point and without any tact as usual, Tsukishima almost wants to shout back, _Thank you, Captain Obvious!_ But they’re in better control of their childish impulses than certain others they could mention, and they refrain from indulging in their passing whim.   
  
“Feeling a bit under the weather, yes,” they say, snidely. It is not as scathing as it could have been; perhaps its acidity is stomach acid level. Tsukishima thinks they should receive an award for being able to keep their composure under such shitty conditions. “Thank you for your concern, King.” And despite their tone, their gratitude is genuine -- they thought they would never be talking to Kageyama Tobio without the intention of sarcasm behind them, but they attribute this to Kageyama’s total dorkiness and Tsukishima’s romantic orientation being demi.  
  
Kageyama knows this, as he too has changed since joining the Karasuno Volleyball Team. Instead of scowling as darkly as humanly possible and creased lines appearing openly on his forehead, he frowns because he is worried about -- believe it or not -- Tsukishima’s welfare. “Feel better.”  
  
Tsukishima doesn’t respond. They’re too busy concentrating on the fact that Kageyama didn’t request not to be called by that name. Their head throbs in protest, and their coherence begins to fade rapidly. It would be best to focus on getting through this game, and only that; soon they would be able to go home and they would be able to sleep.

It’s Hinata’s turn to serve, now that he’s finished rejoicing over gaining a single point. They probably do have a fever, Tsukishima realizes too late as the ball goes over the net in a tall arc. It’s easily received by Ennoshita, and up the ball flies towards Sugawara as the wing spikers tense in preparation to leap. Yamaguchi was right when she had said to visit the nurse’s office -- she's usually right, they should listen to her more often. The ball is set gracefully as always by Sugawara’s careful hands, flying towards Asahi with confidence. They grit their teeth and jump with Kageyama beside them, fully intent of blocking the incoming spike.

Tsukishima doesn’t remember landing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so ive had this idea for six months and i finally finished this first chapter. im really excited, this is my first hq!! fic!!! warning: updates might be slow
> 
> tsukki is super introspective wow. you poor ruminating moon child. but im pretty sure that he literally compares everyone to certain things and uses them as similes. (takeda, kuroo, bokuto, oikawa... many more to come.)
> 
> also: this takes place after the current manga arc -- i'm assuming karasuno does win over aobajohsai but oh god it hurts
> 
> so some things might be a little confusing rn, esp people's gender identities (a lot of these are based) from the transhqrp that took place on twitter that i was part of. if you have a question on their identity, let me know and i'll try to clarify!! otherwise, there will definitely be more clarification in the future. tsukishima obviously uses they/them pronouns, i don't believe they have a very strong feeling on gender, and they're fine with basically anything. here's a list of karasuno's pronouns rn:
> 
> daichi: he/him (cis)  
> suga: they/them (agender)  
> asahi: she/her (trans feminine)  
> noya: he/him (trans boy)  
> tanaka: she/her (demigirl)  
> ennoshita: they/them (agender)  
> narita: he/him (demiboy)  
> kinoshita: he/him, she/her (genderfluid)  
> kageyama: he/him (trans boy)  
> hinata: he/him (trans boy)  
> tsukishima: they/them (genderqueer)  
> yamaguchi: she/her (trans girl)  
> kiyoko: she/her (demigirl)  
> yachi: she/her (trans girl)  
> ukai: he/him (cis)  
> takeda: he/him (trans masculine)
> 
> as for the poly side of it, here's some basics.
> 
> -tsukishima is dating: yamaguchi, kageyama, hinata, kuroo, kenma, bokuto, akaashi, oikawa. they're qp with yachi.  
> -all the karasuno second years are dating each other  
> -all the karasuno third years are dating each other (with the exception of kiyoko)
> 
> there is definitely more to come, lots of cross stuff with all the teams, esp nekoma and aobajohsai.
> 
> basically all of the hq!! characters are trans and queer, there's probably only like. a few cis characters
> 
> but ahem this is a lot to take in, but i hope you guys enjoy it!!! we def need more trans and poly fics out there, and not just for the haikyuu!! fandom. yeehaw
> 
> id also like to note that this isn't a typical memory loss where it happens suddenly and entirely. you'll see what i mean soon winkwink
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!! i would love to know your thoughts/reactions to this, and i'll see if i can get the next chapter written relatively soon. thank you!!


	2. unreality settles in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anxiety, anxiety, go away, come back another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some potential warnings: anxiety, anxiety attacks, unreality

_“—back off and give them some space–“_

_“—but an ambulance—“_

_“Tsukki—“_

When they finally stir, Tsukishima feels like death. His head hurts. His arms hurt. His legs hurt. His back hurts. Everything aches; it aches more than the typical sense of tiredness after practice. How did they get here? What was the last thing that happened? Why is it so _loud_ —

Tsukishima cringes as they try to open their eyes. Bad idea. They shut them immediately to fix this mistake. The lights are far too bright – even more brilliant than Hinata on one of his best days, and that’s saying something. The sounds surrounding them are too noisy; they want to curl into themself and disappear, sinking deep down into the earth’s core. There are too many people surrounding them, they can feel it, it’s too many for Tsukishima to process. God, they just want to be _alone_ in their pain and misery.

“Everyone, move away and shut up!” The sounds become muffled, but it’s still too much. “Tsukishima?” Coach Ukai’s voice is paradoxically next to their ear and simultaneously miles away. It’s a terrible sensation. Tsukishima hates it. “Can you sit up?”

“I… yeah,” Tsukishima manages. The last thing they want to do is lift themself up from the stiff gym floor, but the other option of staying where they are is even worse. They don’t want anyone’s pity or worry, especially from the Karasuno Volleyball Team, but they suppose it’s far too late for that.

A hand settles onto their back as they try to sit up, and a wave of nausea crashes into Tsukishima, nearly knocking them back into the ground. Their head is spinning, and they become increasingly aware of their current surroundings. They can just imagine their fellow first-years trying to get far too close in concern, and their senpai attempting to restrain them despite being overcome with worry themselves. It’s not a pretty image, as blurry as it is. Tsukishima’s stomach twists into knots, and dread hurls itself impossibly downward.  
  
“Here’s some water,” Ukai murmurs, and a bottle is pressed firmly into his hands. It’s wet, the droplets smearing onto their burning skin. More uncomfortableness, just exactly what Tsukishima wants. “Drink some if you can.”  
  
The cap must already be open, as Tsukishima tilts the container back and swallows what they can. It doesn’t go down as easily as it should. It hurts, they feel like they’re choking on the cool liquid, and they’re dying. All they can think is _fuck,_ and the gym door slides open.

“The nurse is gone for the day,” Takeda-sensei announces to the crowded group, panting heavily. He’s out of breath. Tsukishima slowly reaches the conclusion that he had ran all the way to the nurse’s office in vain, and their heart twinges in anxiety. They want to entwine their fingers together, curl them inwards and squeeze as hard as humanly possible until the nervousness goes away. All of this needless effort for them; the guilt swirls languidly in their gut.

“I’ll call an ambulance, then,” says Ukai decisively, and Tsukishima grips the water bottle.

“No,” they nearly snap, and Tsukishima can _feel_ all the eyes in the room on them. They hate it, they hate it, they _hate_ it. “Can you please just… call my mom?”

Tsukishima senses the hesitance that hangs thickly in the gymnasium. They don’t want anyone to see this vulnerable exposure, this involuntary weakness, this inability to be able to defend themself as their bramble lined walls are unwillingly lowered. No one can see them like this, they want them to get out. They want to scream. Thankfully, Ukai relents. “Sure, whatever you want.”

They deduce through the fog that Takeda must be the one who’s dialing the phone, as they hear Ukai announce, “Practice is over. Everyone, go home and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

There’s some protests, but they’re quickly silenced and effectively shushed by probably Sawamura and Sugawara combined. Tsukishima is grateful for this, as the attention is too much on top of their incessant migraine. The pounding refuses to cease. They want to take as ibuprofen, Nyquil, and any other medication they’re possibly allowed to have in order to get this chronic pain to subside. The only sounds that can be heard now are Sawamura’s dismissing remarks and scuffling sneakers as they exit the gym, and Tsukishima has never been more grateful for authority figures in their life.

“Tsukishima-kun?” Takeda gently asks, his usually timid voice suddenly akin to a yell in his ear, and they don’t want to be here. That phone call seemed far too short, but it wouldn’t be surprising in the least to Tsukishima if their sense of time is completely skewered. How long has it been since they woke up, anyways? And passed out, now that they consider it. “Your mom will be here as soon as possible. She’s on her way.”

“Thank you,” they mumble. They want to go to sleep. Surely dreams would be far less anxiety inducing than this. But that’s probably not a good idea, they might’ve had a concussion and the last thing that they can do is sleep right now.  It’s amazing that they can even think to this capacity, as their brain is being used as a substitute for all kinds of percussion instruments now. The desire to weave their fingers together swallows Tsukishima again, but the water bottle is still in the way, and they’re paralyzed. It’s too hard to move – the mere prospect sitting numbingly at the helm of his mind is weighted.

Are they even breathing? It doesn’t feel like it. Is this reality? Is this real? Suddenly, doubt begins to swarm their muggy mind, smothering Tsukishima’s already hazy thoughts, and their breath hitches. Ah, so they are able to breath. That’s a good thing, right? There’s air being pumped through their lungs by their heart to the rest of their body. They’re alive. They’re here, now. Wait a second. Who are they? Who is Tsukishima? Wait. Wait, wait, wait. This doesn’t feel like real life. Confusion nestles itself in between their throbbing lobes. Are they in a dream already, then?

They clutch the water bottle, pained. Dissociation. They need to stop. They need to think about all of the people that are there for them, that love them, people who Tsukishima loves: Oikawa. Bokuto. Akaashi. Kuroo, Kenma. Yachi. Kageyama. Hinata. Yamaguchi.

Oikawa Tooru, third year captain and setter for Aoba Johsai. The pretty boy also known more famously as the Grand King, one of Karasuno’s most irritatingly provocative rivals, royal pain in the ass, and surprisingly perceptive at reading people’s feelings. After defeating them at long last, numbers had been exchanged, and somehow Oikawa had wormed their way into Tsukishima’s heart. She’s helped to teach them how to receive even better than ever, and even Tsukishima has to admit that Oikawa is attractive in their own way – despite having a somewhat nasty personality. They suppose stranger things have happened.

Bokuto Koutarou, captain and ace of Fukurodani. Number four out of the entire country in Japan for high school volleyball, an incredibly annoying individual – perhaps even more so than Oikawa in his own way, he’s also strangely endearing, much to Tsukishima’s chagrin. After becoming acquainted at the Tokyo training camp, he somehow managed to snag Tsukishima’s number and has been texting them persistently ever since. They may admit that’s partially their own fault for indulging him, but what was Tsukishima supposed to do?

Akaashi Keiji, setter for Fukurodani and Bokuto’s way of staying grounded. Quiet, observant, and calculating, Tsukishima has found themself to be naturally drawn to them. They’ve helped Tsukishima immensely, both with volleyball and more personal issues. Akaashi is a person that Tsukishima can sit with, and not be expected to say anything at all.

Kuroo Tetsurou, captain of Nekoma. Incurable bedhead. One of the most annoying of the bunch, along with zir’s fellow captains and the oddball duo. Eccentric to say in the least, ze somehow manages to confuse zirself when explaining something – ze is arguably the one who helped Tsukishima learn to block the most. And Kuroo is probably one of the most compassionate and thoughtful people they know, despite zir’s tendency to enjoy provoking people to get them to do what ze wants.

Kozume Kenma, setter for Nekoma and Kuroo’s childhood friend. Extremely fond of electronics and expert video gamer. Another quiet one like Akaashi, quiet perceptive. Preference to be called by Kenma, distaste for honorifics – Tsukishima actually lets Kenma call them “Kei.” Highly unmotivated at times, and Tsukishima _gets_ that; they think that is probably why they get along so well. Sometimes they play games online together, and Tsukishima genuinely likes it.

Yachi Hitoka, manager for Karasuno. Her aesthetic is most obviously space, as most of the things she owns are star-related and/or themed. She likes to compare them and the other first years to aspects of the universe. Often nervous and anxious, she is something that Tsukishima can easily relate to. Out of the bunch, she’s the only one that Tsukishima is queerplatonic with, rather than sharing a relationship of the romantic nature. They had never thought they would ever have such a personal connection in the first place – but then again, they had never thought that with any of the others (for the most part) either.

Kageyama Tobio, setter for Karasuno and one half of the oddball quick duo. The tyrant King, his majesty, his highness, etc. etc. He hates that name, and Tsukishima knows that; but maybe they’re still bitter about his passion and innate talent for volleyball. He’s too blunt, too simple-minded, and doesn’t ever seem to think things through. But he’s been working hard at attempting to understand others, and Tsukishima supposes they should grudgingly give them that. Their relationship is complicated, and that’s all that can really be said.

Hinata Shouyou, self-declared ace of Karasuno and the other half of the oddball quick duo. He’s too loud, too bright, and too obnoxious – and yet, Tsukishima’s grown disgustingly fond of him too. Competitive with an endless amount of stamina, they can’t even begin to comprehend what goes on his brain. Hinata’s endless supply of energy is too tiring sometimes, but amazingly enough, he’s starting to know when Tsukishima needs their space. As Yachi puts it, Hinata is the sun to Tsukishima’s moon – the meanings already encrypted in their names notwithstanding.

Yamaguchi Tadashi, pinch server for Karasuno and Tsukishima’s own childhood friend. She’s their first love, probably. Her work ethic and dedication to improvement is inspiring; as much as Bokuto and Kuroo had contributed to their volleyball skills development, Yamaguchi is the one who actually finally got it into their head about what they’re actually playing for. She’s had the most impact on Tsukishima, most definitely.

_Remember,_ Tsukishima wills themself, _remember_. They are important. They are there for Tsukishima. They’ve chosen to be here for them, after all the shit Tsukishima has pulled. After all the asshole mannerisms, snarky comments, and general dislike of socializing with people. It’s just a club, volleyball isn’t a big deal.

No, it is. It’s changed their life, as cliché as that sounds. Volleyball has been the gateway to genuine happiness, as much as Tsukishima has disdained the prospect. They’re only fifteen years old, God, this isn’t healthy. They’ve fallen in love too many times for a mere fifteen year old, and they’re fucking demiromantic. Tsukishima wants to laugh. Tsukishima wants to cry. Tsukishima wants to disappear. Tsukishima wants to be loved. The fact that they’ve somehow managed to obtain this good fortune at this age can’t be true, it can’t be real, this isn’t reality.

Tsukishima wants to be alone.

* * *

When Tsukishima’s mom arrives, there are too many worry lines creasing her face. Tsukishima feels a pang of regret for passing out in the middle of a practice game and making her come over as soon as possible. She already has a plethora of other things to worry about like taking care of the house, running around and doing errands, and financial issues like paying for Akiteru’s college tuition; they don’t want to contribute to her stress, she doesn’t deserve this.

It takes a while for Tsukishima to be able to stand, and when they do, they almost topple right over again. The pain hasn’t receded in the least. This is hellish. They can’t help but think that they deserve it.

Ukai and Takeda wish them the best, hoping that Tsukishima will be alright, and the car departs from Karasuno High School, heading towards the nearest hospital in Miyagi.

“Kei?” Their mother’s voice is laced with concern, and Tsukishima breaks just a little bit more. They don’t respond, nor do they let their eyes flutter open in any indication of hearing her. “Kei, it’ll be alright. Don’t worry.”

It’s impossible for Tsukishima not to worry, but they appreciate the sentiment.

* * *

After several routine tests by the hospital staff to see what might possibly be going on Tsukishima’s body, the doctor finally returns to the room some time later with too many sheets of paper. They’ve done a variety of scans of their brain, particularly because of the possibility of a concussion and the fact that they’ve had so many migraines in recent times.

It hurts to keep their eyes open, they’re seeing spots blotching random areas in their vision and there’s a persistent ringing in their ears. There’s nothing that doesn’t hurt. Tsukishima doesn’t feel good.

“Tsukishima-san,” the doctor addressed both Tsukishima and their mother simultaneously in greeting, neutrally professional. “I’m Yamada. Now, I have your results, and there’s several things we need to discuss.”

“Oh no,” Tsukishima’s mother says, voice wracked with apprehension. Tsukishima feels worse.

“Tsukishima-san has suffered from a concussion, and has had chronic migraines. I believe that the migraines have increased as time has gone on, and caused him to a great deal of stress, which resulted in his fainting during physical activity.” The use of he/him pronouns doesn’t bother Tsukishima, they’ve never been a huge deal. It’s the last of their concerns right now. “He will need extensive rest for a minimum of one week, most likely more, and is strictly prohibited from doing any form of activity, including school – let alone volleyball.”

Yamada sounds sympathetic, but Tsukishima can’t bring themself to even consider caring. Meanwhile, their mother’s breath keeps catching in her throat, and Tsukishima wants it to be over already. “With plenty of rest, Tsukishima-san should be fine. There doesn’t seem to be any noticeable problems currently. I’m prescribing some medicine that should be taken daily, either in the morning or the evening. These should help ease the migraines, and I would like to see him again in two weeks to see how he’s doing. The medicine should be working by then, and if not, we’ll look at other alternatives.”

The information is starting to overload their brain, clogging up the very few thoughts that are somehow being able to process now. But their mother seems to comprehend all of these instructions well enough, thankfully, but Tsukishima’s guilt tediously increases. They should be able to take care of themself, they’re a first year in high school now. This shouldn’t have to be her responsibility.

“Thank you very much, I’ll make an appointment for him,” they hear her gratefully say, and Tsukishima’s body is on fire. It burns intensely from at least five scattered places, slowly starting to creep and climb across their long limbs with intent. Other parts are numb, as if Novocain had been injected into their veins, but they’re too weary to say anything.

* * *

As soon as they get home, Tsukishima collapses into their bed. They feel the idle urge to check any possible messages on their phone – that is, if anyone had even sent any. Tsukishima doubts it. They know Yamaguchi in the least will have, but for everyone else… Who knew? Tsukishima didn’t, and instead of ascertaining the possibility, they let themselves drift to a much deserved rest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well then it's been well over nine months, almost ten. aka the time of a pregnancy. wow. incredible?? frankly i'm impressed
> 
> it's so strange especially i've had this fic idea since like august of 2014, last year. boop. i am very slow. however!!! people's comments and kudos are excellent motivation, and after receiving a comment recently, it really helped me to get started on this chapter!!!!
> 
> ok so here are some new pronouns/gender identities:
> 
> oikawa: he/she/they (genderfluid)  
> bokuto: he/him (demiboy)  
> akaashi: they/them (agender)  
> kuroo: ze/zir (genderqueer)  
> kenma: they/them (agender)
> 
> hmmm, i think that's it for now!!! if you guys have any questions regarding gender identity/other characters who you want to see/who's dating who, seriously feel free to ask!!! i will (probably) answer, i don't keep a lot of secrets. 8))
> 
> anyways, it's starting to get interesting now!!! hope you all enjoyed, and please leave some kudos/comments with your thoughts!! <3
> 
> (also: come visit me on tumblr @saruhiko-fushimi!!)


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